So, I’m on my way home after a
very long, very strenuous and very emotional week and as I’m standing in the
crowded carriage dying to find my way home, I notice a fly buzzing about
overhead. Now flies don’t bother me much (unless they’re hovering over food –
or terrifying my friends) and how a fly managed to cycle safely through a
carriage full of hot, sweaty workmen and women desperate to get home, I’ll
never know. But ultimately, after swanning around, it settled onto the hand of
a man standing in front of me. And rather than my first reaction being – how is
it that this man cannot feel this beetle crawling all over him - I started to
consider that maybe this was the part where it bit him and that tomorrow, he’d
become England’s very own Spiderman.
Don’t worry. I haven’t lost my
mind. I am, however, functioning on just three hours sleep and it is something
that I have never done before. It
does not compute how it is that I am functioning, but I assure you all that I
am very close to nodding off as I write this.
TESOL has taught me a lot this
week and it goes a lot deeper than lessons on grammar and lesson planning in general...
~
I believe the collocation* is delusions of grandeur.
For me, it would be ‘delusions of
failure’. I’ve always had an issue with failing and it’s something that helps
to define me as a person. Ultimately, however, I taught for the first time in
my life this week and it was incredibly nerve-wracking. As part of the course,
you need to teach six hours worth of lessons. I taught four lots of thirty
minute lectures – so two hours ultimately. I thought that my first lesson went
horribly. I taught prepositions and had been driving myself up the wall with
worry as to how I would go about it. The lesson took me four days to plan, I
criticised the hell out of myself and was awarded a merit**.
On my second teaching practice
day, I hated my lesson and it showed. I was all over the place, dropping pens
and constantly referring to my notes. In fact, I was so nervous that I kept
thinking that the deodorant that I’ve been using for the past ten years – that
has never failed me once – had actually stopped working. I was so disappointed
in myself and reached an all time low. I criticised the hell out of my lesson and
yet by some fluke, still managed to pass. For my third and fourth lessons, the
same pattern emerged leading me to feel that truly I am my own worst enemy. I
still say my lesson today was too
easy for even pre-intermediate students – students who make you feel like you’re
trying to draw blood out of a rock at times - but I managed to get through it
and I’m so very grateful for the weekend even though I have a mountain of work
to do.
Delusion Number One: I am a
failure.
~
After teaching, we have a
feedback session, where we all give each other positive and constructive
criticism in order to help each other better ourselves. The tutor supervises
and it’s all pretty well constructed. During my second lesson, however, I was
so disappointed in myself that I broke down and made a fool of myself. Everyone
was relatively sympathetic and as I mentioned earlier, the constant theme that rises
during my feedback sessions is that I’m way too hard on myself. On the day of
my third lesson, however, the printer broke down, meaning that the entire class
was running around like headless chickens trying to find a way to print off
work. I managed to print off most of what I needed and launched into my lesson,
but a colleague of mine had a terrific breakdown and disappeared halfway
through even though she was due to teach that day. On the same day, another
colleague of mine received a low grade and went home feeling so down with
herself that she emailed me expressing her desire to quit.
Now, I’m not the most sympathetic
person. I tend to look at things logically at times and find it difficult to feel
genuine sympathy at times even if I do identify. I mean, seriously, if a body
fell from the sky and landed in front of me – after about two or three seconds
of raw surprise, I’d probably phone an ambulance. A normal woman would probably
have a seizure.
But both these colleagues felt
completely at ease in confiding in me. And even though, it was strange for me,
I held hands, hugged people in their time of need and offered encouraging
words. Genuine as well. And I think, after this week, I’ve developed a few
bonds in this place – people who I am genuinely grateful for and who I look
forward to talking to, and who I don’t mind hugging even though two weeks ago
we were perfect strangers. And even though, I don’t “awww” or twist my face
into some method on console, I think I’ve discovered that in my own ‘logical’
way, I can identify with people on an emotional level and not just on the level
of self-pity which I’m used to.
This therefore, brings me to
this:
Delusion Number Two: I lack
empathy
~
Now, I know for a fact that you
shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. But you do. I do. We all do. We look at someone
and think we know them based on their manner or the way they dress. We
stereotype and make assumptions and this’ll usually define the way we behave
towards them. You’re not gonna introduce yourself to the scrappy little vagabond
who’s sitting by himself downing a large bottle of whisky at the party, are
you? You’re gonna try and steal a glance at (or, if you’re brave, chat to) the
cute/handsome/strapping/tall/leggy/busty…etc little something in the centre of
the room.
At my school, we get people from
all walks of life. I hear Spanish and Italian floating along the halls mostly
and just like people in general, some are very nice and others go about their
business. During my teaching practice lessons, I was pretty convinced that I
could identify where everyone was from just by looking at them. I immediately
expected that most students were from Europe. There was a guy with long hair
that resembled a Columbian guy I used to work with. I tagged him as Spanish.
Then, there was a rocker guy that always wore a set of headphones - thin frame, long hair - I tagged him
as Japanese. Well, Spanish guy was actually from Thailand. And the Japanese guy
was Peruvian. And all those European students were indeed Spanish speakers –
all of whom were from South America.
Mind was blown.
Delusion Number Three: I know
everything.
*a lexical term. Go TEFL.
**Can be fairly difficult to
obtain. Obtaining a merit overall is by means of some unknown force for a
newbie teacher.
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