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Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts
Showing posts with label childhood. Show all posts

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

Inside The Belly of the Beast

Yesterday, I watched this show*: 


In recent years, there’s been an influx of weight-loss and healthy eating programs in order to combat the fact that the United Kingdom has been statistically proven as the fattest nation in Europe. What’s more is that it’s been predicted by scientists that if we don’t sort ourselves out now, half the nation will be overweight and the number of elderly people with cancer with treble by 2040. Frightening stuff.

As a person who has a bit of a fear of dying – and dying painfully – I try to take care of myself. I love the gym and when I walk home having done a tasty piece of hard graft, I get a nice little buzz.  Nevertheless, I’m not perfect. I have my relapses. Takeaways on payday have become common recently and I like me the odd cake or sweet drink once in a while. I don’t eat nearly as much fruit as I should and even though my weekly exercise routine consists of three 90 minute workouts at the gym and an hour getting’ down at zumba, over the past few months, this has began to decline. When I’m ill, the decline is steeper, but I’m fortunate because while not as disciplined with myself as I know I can be, I’m aware of my shortfalls and find ways to compensate for them.

Back in 2003, however, when I was my heaviest – a girl of fifteen; hardly a size 14 and yet not quite a 16 – I hadn’t a clue. My mum had just started fixing her own eating habits and yet I was piling on the pounds; I even weighed more than her at one point.

During my primary school days, I was the skinny kid who could pack it away. I remember lunchtime. Juniors were split into 'First and Second Dinners' on a rotary basis. When you were in for Second Dinners, there was a chance you could get seconds or even thirds. And then there was Christmas dinner - big stuff in my family - because not only did we have turkey, but we had beef, pork, chicken, fish, stuffing, Yorkshire pudding, mountains of gravy…etc. And I would put all of it and extras away with absolutely no problem whatsoever. I was a kid who enjoyed feeling stuffed beyond logic - bursting even; the kind of ‘stuffed’ where you have to lay down afterward because the concept of sitting up was too uncomfortable and ‘walking it off’ was about as far a thought away as my gut was.

So what I’m thinking is that I had taken my childhood eating habits into an adolescent body thinking it would be okay. But of course, it wasn’t. Because there was one thing that had changed between primary school and secondary school and that was the amount of exercise I was getting.

In primary school, I’d run around the playground, mess about on the climbing frame, the monkey bars…etc. In secondary school there was no apparatus. In my first year, however, I remember running around the school grounds playing a game of “it” and being yelled at by an older girl for doing exactly what I should have been doing – running around and exercising. But as I got older, 'exercising' was substituted for queuing up for the tuck shop, sitting on the wall and having a chat or messing about on the computers in the library after school.

By Year 9, I began to mature and the weight was piling on. My face had a mass of spots on it and I began to hate the way I looked. By Year 10, I would whinge to my mum who would tell me what I needed to do to shift the weight – and yet it seemed to go in one ear and out the other. I didn’t understand why I had to change my eating habits; they’d always worked for me.

So I tried dieting. The first diet I tried was the Slim Fast diet. This lasted about a week. Substituting two meals for a can of liquid just didn’t cut it for me. I felt hungrier than usual and miserable. The next diet I tried was the Atkin’s Diet. My mum and even my aunt (who really had nothing to shift really; she’s always been thin) tried this diet and I have got to say that it worked. I was going strong for two weeks, cutting the carbs, scarfing the meat and dropping pounds, until my aunt became physically sick. Mum had read somewhere that apparently the Atkin’s diet can affect your kidneys so, not wanting to suffer as my aunt had, I stopped that diet and the weight went back on as expected.

Ultimately, the turnaround for me was a program called Paul McKenna Will Make You Thin. For me, it was one of the first programs I’d watched about legitimate weight-loss and it basically taught me to stop snacking on rubbish – I was addicted to chocolate for many years - to reduce portion size – seconds and thirds gone – and to drink water because not only does it contain no calories whatsoever, but it also, has a way of telling you whether you’re genuinely hungry or whether that pang in your stomach just means you were thirsty all along.

So I started off small and cut out chocolate for three weeks setting my reward date as Easter Sunday. Easter came and in tradition, mum had bought me an Egg. Even though I ate it, nonetheless, I realised that I really didn’t have to. I no longer craved chocolate in the same way as I once had while at secondary school. And even now at twenty-four, I don’t buy chocolate bars anymore and may only have chocolate in the form of a slice of cake at a restaurant or in the form of a biscuit.

In my freshman year of university, after having paid £150 for a year long membership to the gym - and having not gone for half a year - I slapped myself something fierce and proceeded to put Paul McKenna into action - properly. University is freedom when you're a student. I had a loan and a grant and bulk shopped every month. I would spend between £60 - £80 on groceries and £20 alone went towards sugar-infested drinks – Coke Cola, Ribena (the one you dilute with water), Lemonade, Cranberry juice** etc. I substituted the whole lot for four large bottles of water which collectively cost me £3. The snacks and biscuits and takeaways all went and I controlled my eating to three meals a day only. I went to the gym three times a week*** and five months later, I’d dropped a dress size. I hadn’t been a size 12 in forever.

So when I tuned into Secret Eaters last night, I couldn’t help but think about my old eating habits. The show looks into the lives of families who haven’t a clue why they may be overweight or aren’t losing weight. Sometimes a family isn't aware of what they’re doing while others just mightn’t be able to admit it to themselves that they do overeat. These people are given names for example, the Mealtime Magpie, described as the type of person who doesn’t like to see food go to waste and will therefore finish everything up; or the One Meal Wonder, who is the type of eater that tends to eat one meal a day, but due to hunger may overeat in that one sitting and over-compensate for the food not eaten during the day.

I was the Comfort Eater. I ate food that was hanging around out of boredom mostly or stress and especially tucked into snacks on a Friday after school, spending most of the night at the computer. I recall I had a set up; some manner of fizzy drink or something high in sugar - usually a bottle - and two or three packets of chocolates - Minstrels were my favourite. Note: I would eat and drink this on top of my dinner.

Nowadays, I’m a bit more savvy and a bit more opinionated when it comes to weight loss and weight gain. I know how big of an influence the media can be, whether positive or detrimental. But even now as a size 14 again, I want to be slimmer. At the same time, however, I don’t desire to be stick thin – I want to settle back at that size 12 simply because a) I’ve been a size 12 before and b) I don’t want to lose my curves – definitely culturally specific. I have a strong dislike of fad diets and diet pills, and actually had every intention of ranting about them here, but found this instead, which sums up my feelings perfectly.

My eating habits and such are far from ideal, nonetheless. I have yet to master the balanced lifestyle that I would like and I prefer to cut out temptation by NOT having certain things in the fridge or carrying less money. Eight years ago, I would have turned my nose up at this notion, but all one really needs is to eat well, beast less and exercise regularly.


Channel4 ©
**Sometimes I’d mix them. Colabena anyone?
***I once did a seven-day streak, but I wouldn’t recommend doing that.

Friday, 17 August 2012

Me, My Blog & I

I had every intention of making this a generic intro post, however, as I started writing, I started thinking about how I could introduce myself while talking about something worthwhile and then it sort of came to me. Because this has been a topic that I’ve spent half my life fixated on. So I ask you – the public - is there anybody out there that has taken a good hard look at themselves and thought:

“you know what…there isn’t anyone quite like me”

And I don’t mean in the arrogant sense. Because there’s loving yourself and then there’s building a fort for you, yourself and you AND a mirror. And I don’t mean in the individual sense either. Certainly, we like to think that we’re one of a kind. Our parents are always telling us that we’re special – granted, they kind of have to. But I mean really. Have you ever thought that you kind of stood alone, so to speak?

As a child, I went to a multi-cultural primary school – although about 80% of the girls in my class were black. We were all pretty much kids – innocent, unassuming, jovial – until we hit around about the seven-year-old mark and the ‘influences’ - the ugly in the world - truly took hold. Slang entered our vocabulary and everything became a joke. Couldn’t let anyone catch you tripping up because it was funny. Be careful where you sat; never know when a pin might mysteriously appear between your butt cheeks.

Yeah. I look back on it now and realise that kids in my school – heck, kids in general - had a sadistic sense of humour.

Let’s skip forward to secondary school – where your personality pretty much starts to take shape and it’s an uphill battle for acceptance. Once again my school was mostly black, but in contrast, was all girls. I had a bit of a tough time during this period because I didn’t really fit anywhere. But groups were already forming. You had your ‘girlie girls’, your tomboys, your ‘obnoxious black folk'..etc, and I’ll admit, I started off pretty comfortably…until I got moved into the fast track class and my ‘status’ – if you will – changed immediately.

I have a thing about failure. I don’t like to fail at anything. I beat myself up really badly if I don’t deliver so in school, it was important for me to do well. NERD!! status was immediately attached to me because I listened in class, did my work and got fairly decent grades. Some people even admitted to me later on that they thought I was ‘stoosh’ or stuck up. At the same time, however, I pretty much sacrificed a social life.

I didn’t go to the chicken shop –insert eye roll here- after school with the ‘popular’ kids. I hated the concept of sitting at the back of the bus on the upper deck with the boys from the school down the road and around the corner. I didn’t shout or cuss. I wasn’t confrontational. I cried a lot – most of it in secret. I hated being different and didn’t understand why I was the way I was. People only wanted to know me for the answers to questions or called me in regards to homework assignments. They made fun of my hair, called me a ‘bounty’* and would have pretty much destroyed my self-confidence had it not been for the fact that I was an avid writer – they seemed to enjoy reading my work - who enjoyed performance art; I loved acting and played the piano.

And even though come my final year, I finally managed to find people who I could truly consider friend, I was still quite different. I didn’t wear make-up or earrings; didn’t care for fashion – still don’t. Wasn’t up to date with the latest songs and had generally geeky pastimes that I kept to myself.

College was more of the same and by university, I managed to accept myself and have others accept me too, but I still don’t think I’ve met anyone quite like me. I tend to have friends who I associate different parts of my personality with and I don’t think I meant to intentionally, but I find that I keep them separate.

My black friends will always understand that I am a black woman and will understand the isms associated with being black and being female. I once worked for SEGA Europe – enter the geek - where I share all my anime, role-playing and video gaming madness (a good proportion of my geeky friends, however, are online). There were the friends that shared my love for the gym and all things keep-fit. When I worked for a company called Eat Ltd – a culturally diverse company - my work colleagues saw me as English first and wanted to improve their English with me.  

But even though, these people make up parts of my life, I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone that encompasses it all. And as I’m thinking about it, maybe I’m not supposed to.

Growing up, I always thought it would be cool to have one group of friends who I could share everything with. I’d see these people from school, through puberty and the rest of it, right into adulthood and have that kind of history that makes you feel like family despite the lack of blood ties. I do have friends who I went to school with that I’m still in touch with now, but only one or two who I feel will follow me through life.

And maybe that’s the way it’s supposed to be. Maybe I’m not supposed to share all of me with one person. Maybe these people are supposed to allow me to demonstrate the different parts of myself in a sense that they have greater appreciation for the part they share with me.

Or maybe I have too many interests for my own good.

All I know is, I don’t think there ever will be anyone quite like me, (although now that I think a bout it, an ex-boyfriend came dangerously close). So to all those individuals who do fit in and have generally found people with who they can relate all of themselves to – I’m glad for you. It’s possible that your childhood wasn’t tempestuous at all. But to all those individuals out there that might feel a little bit out of place, I say embrace yourself. You’re like a cake with many layers - or maybe even just one, but I’m sure you taste just as sweet.

*bounty = black on the outside, white on the inside.