Pursuing Japanese ~ Ulterior Motives

"Could you become a friend to exchange language?"

This message was sent to me by an old lady I met at a language event. I have to admit, I was furious when I saw it. And why, you may ask? It's only fair, right? If I'm learning Japanese from someone, then I should at least provide them with something in return. But simply put however, I'm sick and tired of people only taking interest in me because I happen to speak a certain language. And I feel like with every new person I meet, they fail to see the person underneath with a personality, opinions and interests; they simply see a walking opportunity for themselves.

Recently, I've realised my Japanese has been waning due to lack of study. I still go to class once a week but on occasion, I've had to cancel due to work commitments. Similarly, I still do my language exchanges in the week but again I may have had to cancel or my partners have had to cancel due to their own commitments. The consistency just hasn't been there. Additionally, I go to work where some Japanese ability is necessary and I still struggle to speak in spontaneous situations. Often I don't understand completely or I do and I can't respond competently. I get very nervous very fast and it shows. But ultimately, I only have myself to blame. It's become a problem so I decided to start taking action again.

I feel like this is somehow permanently affixed to my forehead

I attended a language event last weekend that was a little different in that it was strictly time enforced by the host. We spent fifteen minutes in English and fifteen minutes in Japanese. Then we would break and repeat two more times. I ended up being the only foreigner on my tables of four. Every thirty minutes, I'd meet a new set of Japanese people and quickly felt like I was the weakest link because not only was my Japanese poor but their English was usually pretty good. During the Japanese segments however, I noticed that no matter how many times I would ask my "exchange groups" to slow down, they would speak at break-neck speed meaning that I often got lost during conversation. As annoying as this was however, I had to remind myself that these were not teachers. These were ordinary people who didn't really want to speak Japanese at a language exchange event. They wanted to speak English. And when the event came to an end, mine was the first table to disperse. Details were exchanged but I knew that I would never contact those people, let alone see them again.

I found another language group however and this group grasped my interest because unlike typical language events where people feign wanting to exchange, this event was geared towards foreigners who wanted to speak Japanese. English speaking was not a requirement. It was really early in the morning for me but as I needed to be in Tokyo anyway, I decided to go.

There were seven of us in total and only two foreigners including myself. The minute I arrived, I was greeted in Japanese so I felt like this was the real deal. We entered into a restaurant, introduced ourselves and the conversation began. I got talking to an old lady and a guy that I had met at a previous event, while the other four broke off into their conversation. It was very rare that we used English even though it was clear that some of the Japanese natives could speak it. Conversation was very broad and I even learnt some things that I hadn't before; not just about the language but about culture, sports...etc. When it ended, the host mentioned something I felt like was very true. That usual "language exchange" events often end up with foreigners mostly speaking English and that he created the group to give us an opportunity to speak Japanese. I felt so thankful.

I exchanged details with the old lady and then me and the guy hung out for a bit afterwards. We went to Akihabara and played games even though he had told me he had no interest in games whatsoever. As I had a met him at an event before, our conversation lapsed into English which I thought nothing of at the time but as I'm sitting here writing this, I can't help but wonder if the reason he'd decided to tag along was to get his fill of English. He had expressed interest in British culture however which may have been another reason but ultimately, I'm not so sure what his motives were.

When I returned home, I saw a message from the old lady who had sent me a picture of cherry blossoms. I replied in Japanese and then she replied in English. I replied again in Japanese and she sent me a message back in Japanese with some English at the end. All subsequent messages then came in mostly English followed by the question up top. She also asked me asked me if the sentence was grammatically correct sparking off realisations within me. This woman may have come to an event meant for foreigners speaking Japanese but her motives were clearly to find someone to help her with her English. She'd done her part by participating in the event, it was her turn to get her fill.

I was quite annoyed. I'm an English teacher and people pay me to speak and teach them in English. And despite living in Japan where English ability isn't particularly that great, I live about 70%-80% of my life in English. If this was any other country, I feel like I would have been forced to learn the language (I've heard that the French are particularly unforgiving) whereas in Japan, people drop in thank you's and hello's at random. I realise that the Japanese don't get much opportunity to practise using English themselves but I feel like Japan is the only country where the people are so borderline desperate to speak the language that they forget that foreigners are more than just an opportunity; they are people too; they might want to learn a language too; they might want to make friends too; heck, they might not even speak English in the first place.

I haven't responded to this woman yet. I already have two language exchange partners who I'm rather happy with. I'm not interested in having anymore. But I guess the fault lies with me, myself. The lady was nice and all but she did often drop random English words into the conversation at the event now that I think about it. We're also generations a part so we could never really truly be friends. And most people are not so kind as to want to help anyone without getting something in return.

I want to attend that event again and I've already decided that I'm going next weekend as well but I'll just have to be cautious. There's always a catch, isn't there?

The Japan Files ~ International Parties

I believe it's been said many times before but for the foreigner living in Japan, when attempting to make friends, it can go one of two ways. You're either inundated with popularity - girls and guys desperately clawing at you in order to bask in your presence because of that foreigner magic. Or you're met with the stone-cold reality that making genuine friendships in Japan is harder than it should be; maybe even that the natives are so intimidated by your "other-worldliness" that they flee at the mere sight of you. And sometimes there's a happy medium, but the longer I live here - and it hasn't been long mind you - the more I'm starting to realise that as with anywhere else in the world, it's really important to choose your friends. And choose them well.

The amount of friends I have in Japan is okay for me. I was never a social butterfly but obviously, I'd taken a giant leap by moving halfway across the country, which meant I had to start the process of building relationships all over again. So I turned to the sanctity that was the internet and started researching, and I turned to my coworkers who obviously knew more about my new city than I did. As a result, I was swiftly invited to a relatively common event for foreigners in Japan known as the international party.

The clue is in the name really but in Japan, these types of parties are designed to bring foreigners and Japanese people together to exchange culture, life and language. Sounds innocent enough. I recall a similar event at my university back home where all the international students were invited to such an event where they could meet and mingle with other international students so as not to feel entirely isolated in their new world. In Japan however, it's very easy to find yourself in familiar territory. We foreigners have found ways of finding each other and building support networks, whether it's through work or other means. We always find each other. But despite the 1000 to 1 ratio of Japanese people to foreigners living in Japan, there is still a little bit of a divide. And as a result, the international party and various other international or global events were born.

Now, I've not been to many of these parties but I do feel that they usually go one of two ways...

The English Opportunity Spectrum

Japan's first language is Japanese, I'm sure you're aware, but in order to take itself out of this Japanese mentality, over the last couple of decades or so, there has been a push for people to learn English in hopes that Japan - being so closed off from the rest of the world for so many years - might become a little bit more global. (And now, especially with The 2020 Olympics dawning, the necessity for English is probably going through the roof). But with English-speaking foreigners scarce in number, there is often very little opportunity to use English. So when there's an international party, it's not uncommon for those practising English to flock in large numbers. They're often breeding grounds for students of English in particular, looking to test their abilities. It has been my experience that a genuine interest in the person is often misplaced and that people talk for the sake of talking in English as oppose to having a conversation and just taking the time to get to know someone new. It often feels a little bit disingenuous.

The Undercover Dating Spectrum

It is no secret that foreign men are popular amongst the women in Japan. I have come across various women who are either curious, interested or hell-bent on dating a foreigner. Stories pollute the internet. And even though among the international parties, I've been to, there has been a mixed crowd, it isn't uncommon to find a lot more women in attendance. I do not mind my own company - on occasion, I crave it - but I have actually felt forgotten during one said event where I was actually the only foreign woman and I bore witness to my male counterparts cavorting with members of the opposite sex in a manner that I could only really describe as international speed dating. Heck, some international events actually promote themselves as such events, some even reduce the price for foreigners and women to gauge more interest. It is no secret that Japan wants to know its foreign residence but I'm presuming there are those that would rather get to know each other on a more intimate level. But, again, I suspect it's inevitable if your throw men and women together in a room (and especially with alcohol lighting the flames as well).


That said, I'm not trying to dissuade people from attending these events. If I had to pick a relatively safe place to meet people and make friends, I would suggest attending one of these. It's reduces the sleaze factor that is commonly found at clubs and bars, but also almost entirely eradicates the anonymity and uncertainty that people come across when using the internet to form relationships. International parties are also time-restricted so even if there is alcohol involved, over-drinking (and general stupidity as a result) at the party establishment is unlikely.

Recently, I've actually found an international party that I really enjoy going to but this is because in my opinion, it actually fits the definition of an international event. I walked in during my first time and came across not only Japanese people, but people from all over the world, all sharing a common language, but coming from different walks of life. (There were still aspect of The English Opportunity Spectrum lurking about but I suppose I can't expect anything less from an English school). I actually ended up forming friendships at that event and since then, I've returned a couple more times and fully intend to do so in the future.

As a result, I think as with anything, it's all about trial and error. It's important to find something that suits you and I think as I get older and deeper into my experience of living and working overseas, I'm looking at the important things. As I might have mentioned before, I came to Japan alone and I knew how important a support network was. At my previous company however, I pretty much walked into a really big one. As I am now, my current company is much smaller and even though they are like a second family, I'm aware that they each have their own families and responsibilities that must come first and consequently, they cannot always be a crutch for me.

Unfortunately, I cannot speak much for the countryside but I do know that the bigger the city, the more the variety. And this not only goes for people and international parties obviously, but general activities and opportunities as well. So if I had to give someone advice, I would definitely say put yourself out there. But a with any social event, have your wits about you. Japan is a wonderful place, but it's still important to be at least a little bit savvy.